We've all gone round and round on this topic for, it must be, about two generations. Yet, still no consensus has been reached. At the end of a nice evening with a potential romantic partner, who makes that decisive reach for their wallet?
It’s one of the most critical moments in the world of modern heterosexual dating. When handled improperly, by either side that is, the results could be disastrous, the aftershocks possibly being felt decades later in hindsight, while sitting in a divorce attorney’s office.
The discussion came up one Autumn night a few years ago when out chatting with a few girlfriends over sushi and wine, one of whom had just been on a first date the night before and was recounting the details. Let’s call her Leigh. For the sake of time, and because I actually hate writing dialogue, I’ll just give you the quick version of what she had told us about her date.
Us: How was the date?
Leigh: It was good.
Us: Was he nice?
Leigh: He was nice.
Us: Did you like the food?
Leigh: It was all right. (It was a chain restaurant might I add, and if I could figure out how to insert a disappointed emoji I would).
Us: He paid?
Leigh:
Now I’m just going to leave this part open because, at this point I feel that I should add a few details for you to get a real handle on the nuances of the situation, in order to form your own opinion.
When asked point blank, Leigh’s answer to this question was yes, of course he paid.
Of course, he would pay.
However, it was what she mentioned next, in a rather off-handed manner, that proved to be of greater interest to the group…
Now let me remember this correctly, so I don’t mix anything up. Apparently, after the waiter left the check, they both avoided eye contact for a painfully awkward second, and left the bill laying there, unpaid, for half a beat. Half an entire beat. Leigh rushed to assure us that in reality, it was really only a second.
Within that second though, she had managed to build up such a feverish need to dispel the awkward tension, that she began to reach in her purse and offer. “Just to show that I could,” she said. In my mind, she might as well have said while backing away slowly, “I mean you no harm, sir. I’m not just here for a free meal.” (You would think she was dining with an enemy if I wasn’t responsible enough to give you the entire context.) But it was only after she had metaphorically put her hands up, taking a non-threatening stance, that he slid the bill over to his side and told her not to worry about it.
What an ominous scene! And it was all that was necessary for the group to start diving into the many hidden meanings that such a minute interaction could have, sparking a bit of debate. Nothing can divide a restaurant table full of women like the topic of dating.
Who should pay for the date, your male date or you? No, I suppose that wasn’t the real question we were grappling with, and this became apparent quite early on in the conversation, because at some point the answer to that question was simply understood and brushed aside.
No, that wasn’t the real question we were asking. Maybe a more specific version of this might be: Should the woman even bother offering at the end of the night?
I’m laughing now as I write this because, just by the way I’ve phrased this question, you should know which side I was on during that sushi dinner with my friends those years ago. Let me explain myself, though, as I have a theory that may bring some clarity to both the ladies and the gentlemen. A musing that might help all of us date in a more practical manner, and show more love to our future selves in the doing. It is very simple and it starts like this:
The first key to my theory of having better first dates is to change the way you look at spending your hard-earned money on the pursuit of romance. Instead of thinking of it in terms of losing wealth or taking a gamble on someone else and losing, think of it more as paying into some sort of fun retirement account, except, instead of retiring from your job and going on that dream vacation to Bali, you’ll be retiring from singledom and still going on that vacation to Bali because, now you have a built-in buddy to go on romantic adventures with.
So, every expensive cosmetic you buy, every expensive dinner you pay for, you aren’t necessarily losing money, even if that person was not someone you would want a second date with. Think of it as paying the necessary price to get a little bit closer to finding your person.
Now that we have the money mentality out of the way, let’s turn to an explanation that might make us all feel better about going the traditional route when it comes to these things.
I’ll be very frank, because when it comes to this, I’m a bit biased. The woman should never have to offer. She of course, should also never be rude or ungracious about it. However, there should not exist such an awkward and uncomfortable moment of uncertainty, especially at the beginning of a prospective relationship.
Now, before our guy friends stop reading right here, saying that I don’t look after them too, I want to say that my theory works for the benefit of both parties. The uncertainty of this moment now, leads to even greater uncertainties later. This is because, both sides are looking for signs of generosity from the other, but in different ways. Both sides are using the hour or so they spend at that dinner table to divine the future. While one is looking for emotional generosity and a bit of sparkle in his life, the other is looking for physical generosity and a bit of stability in hers.
If you want to know, I can tell you how to use this bill scenario to divine the future. If he hesitates to pick up the check and waits for you to offer first, thereby forcing this moment of uncomfortable uncertainty—because remember, we’re not talking about who actually ends up paying, we’re talking about the moment that precedes it—that you then feel you must offer to solve the problem for him, then this is only the start of you doing most of the problem solving in the relationship. Prepare to become Fix-It-Felicia.
And to the gentlemen, I can feel you cursing me through the screen. You can’t say that I don’t look after you too, so here’s a piece of advice specifically for you. If you simply make your offer to pay very clear at the very beginning of the date and tell her to get what she likes, but begin to get the nagging feeling that your generosity is being taken advantage of, or being taken for granted, simply enjoy your own meal and move on from her. She’s greedy and self-centered. It is a show of kindness and generosity for you to take care of this for her without causing her a moment of stress about it. She should NEVER use that as an opportunity to order all of the most expensive items off of the menu. If you find yourself going along with this behavior, prepare to never feel emotionally safe in your relationship. You’ll always be wondering what your worth is to her.
So, my friends, remember that the people you date will tell you exactly who they are right from the get, if only you take a moment and listen. Be kind and conscientious to others and yourself now, and you’ll be happy to find that you’ve dodged bullets later. “What happened to Leigh and that guy then?” you might ask. To that, all I can say is this: As our monthly evening out with Leigh began to wind down, a single check arrived for all five of us. “My treat, guys,” she laughed, snatching it up with not a moment’s hesitation.
The right people will do you right, the wrong people will steal your light.